Today’s Xbox LIVE Arcade game is a solid gold retro classic - and a real treat for fans of the cheesiest action hero stereotype one-liners. It’s Duke Nukem 3D and, just in case there's any doubt, nobody steals his chick …and lives!

Yep, murderous aliens are running riot through the streets of the Duke’s hometown, a futuristic Los Angeles. Worse than that they’ve shot up his prized motor and are in the business of stealing the planet’s saucily-clad women. Plainly this cannot stand, thus the Duke, against seemingly insurmountable odds, sets out to kick ass and chew bubblegum. Unfortunately, for the algae-eating, scum-sucking bad guys he’s all out of gum. You get the picture…?

What ensues is some of the daftest, explodingest, most pleasurable first-person blasting action from ‘back in the day’ - 1996 to be precise. With that in mind don’t expect to be dazzled visually. Sure, the Duke’s graphics impressed at the time but they don’t hold a candle - or even an smouldering matchstick - to the eye candy dispensed by even the lamest of today’s blasters. In that regard we’re rather surprised that such little effort has been made to jazz up the proceedings here. Then again, we wouldn’t have it any other way.

But that’s not to suggest that there are no enhancements on offer. In fact the Duke’s XBLA outing benefits from the usual raft of Achievements and leaderboards, plus it’s significantly boosted by the addition of online co-op and multiplayer ‘Dukematch’ modes.

Top stuff indeed, even without the usual visual overhaul, and well worth checking out at just 800 MS Points (£6.80). Go get it!